I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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