who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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