So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
