dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
