He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
