Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I have feelings that need drinking.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
