I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Randomize
