I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Randomize
