He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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