What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
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