i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
