You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Randomize
