It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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