I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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