If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
