Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
