Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
she told me i tasted like america
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
