i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
