Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
