Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
