My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
