My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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