Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
don't judge my taste in strippers
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
