well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
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It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
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I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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