fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
