I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Randomize
