Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
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Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
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After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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