Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
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