so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Randomize
