Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Randomize
