I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
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