so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
