can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Randomize
