Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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