some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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