U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
bring money and cleavage
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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