youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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