Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
