I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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