So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
