you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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