The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
