He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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