The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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