her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
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