this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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