i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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