Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
