walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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