tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
