i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
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