i think my tv is drunk
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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