Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Randomize
