I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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