It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
