It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
